shes about as inviting as chlamydia
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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