Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
