i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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