I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
