How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
