Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize