he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
