This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ladies don't puke and tell
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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