We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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