I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
