I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
