Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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