i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
