Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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