i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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