Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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