so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
