Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
