I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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