You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize