You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
