This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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