I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
