i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just found puke in my bra..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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