bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
