Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
