He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
