I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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