How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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