that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
