I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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