If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize