wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
