you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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