im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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