You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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