The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
