dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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