No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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