Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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