question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
