Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
