Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
