i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
