I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
