I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
