He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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