i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
