he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
