She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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