well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize