My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
thus making me awesome and them whores
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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