I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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