just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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