I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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