between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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