I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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