Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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