i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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