Dude my mom stole all your condoms
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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