I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
