I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
