Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
