Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
