sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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