I just cut my nipple shaving
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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