i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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