even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Is it because I queefed?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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