My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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