When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize