The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Watching her eat just hurts me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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