She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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